Nella Vita di White Shit

I have a vivid childhood memory of being 8 or 9 and sitting out on Phyllis’ back deck one sunny Sunday morning enjoying a nice pancake breakfast. Actually, I have many great memories doing this, but this particular one, my dad shared with us something that had been passed around his office (as an aside, crazy to think that these things were once passed physically before there was email). Anyway, I just remember cracking up and thinking this was the funniest thing ever. I think it really helped shape me into the sarcastic smart ass I am today…sigh. Over the years I have reread it and it always brings a smile to my face. This year though, it resonates a little too true, but truly does capture the essence of winter better than anything I’ve ever seen or read. Incredibly, I think people across the US can relate and easily substitute their own state into the story. So for those of you who are trapped in snow hell, I present the unabridged copy of:

Massachusetts Snow Diary

AUG. 1
Moved to our new home in Massachusetts. It is so beautiful here. The city is so picturesque. Can hardly wait to see it covered with snow. I LOVE IT HERE

OCT. 14
New England is the most beautiful place on earth. The leaves are turning all different colors. I love the shades of red and orange. Went for a ride through the hills and saw some deer. They are so graceful. Certainly they are the most peaceful animals on earth. This must be paradise. I LOVE IT HERE.

NOV. 11
Deer season will open soon. I can't imagine anyone wanting to kill such an elegant creature. The very symbol of peace and tranquillity. Hope it will snow soon. I LOVE IT HERE.

DEC. 2
It snowed last night. Woke up to find everything blanketed in white. It looked like a postcard. Went outside and cleaned snow off the steps and shoveled the driveway. We had a snowball fight today (I won). When the snowplow came by we had to shovel the driveway again. What a beautiful place. Mother Nature in perfect harmony. I LOVE IT HERE.

DEC. 12
More snow last night. I love it. The snowplow did his trick again that rascal). A winter wonderland. I LOVE IT HERE.

DEC. 19
Snowed again last night. Couldn't get out of the driveway to get to work this time. I'm exhausted from shoveling. Fucking Snowplow!

DEC. 22
More of that white shit fell last night. I've got blisters on my hands from shoveling. I think the snowplow hides around the corner and waits until I'm done shoveling. That Asshole!

DEC. 25
"White Christmas" my busted ass. More fucking snow. If I ever get my hands on that son-of-a-bitch who drives that snowplow, I swear I will castrate the dumb bastard. Don't know why they don't use more salt on this fucking ice.

DEC. 28
More of the same shit last night. Been inside since Christmas day except for when "Snowplow Harry" comes by. Can't go anywhere. The car is buried in a mountain of white shit. The weatherman says expect another 10 inches of this shit tonight. Do you know how many shovels full of snow 10 inches is?

JAN. 1
Happy Fucking New Year. The weatherman was wrong (AGAIN). We got 34 fucking inches of snow this time. At this rate it won't melt until the 4th of July. The snowplow got stuck down the road and shit for brains had the balls to come to the door and ask to borrow my shovel. I told him I broke 6 shovels already, shoveling out the shit he plowed into my driveway. I broke the 7th shovel over his fucking head.

JAN. 4
Finally got out of the house today. Went to the store to get food and on the way back a deer ran out in front of the car and I hit the fucker. Did about $3,000.00 damage to the car. Wish the hunters would have killed them all last November.

MAY 3
Took the car to the garage in town today. Would you believe the body is rotting away from all the fucking salt they keep dumping all over the roads. It really looks like a piece of shit.

MAY 10
Moved to North Carolina today. I can't imagine why anyone in their right fucking mind would want to live in the God forsaken State of Massachusetts.